By Joy Adams
I remember my first time flying in a commercial jet. I was seventeen years old and just before takeoff the stewardess began her speech about emergency exits and how my seat could become a flotation device. I remember her demonstrating how to put on the oxygen mask and telling us passengers that if we were flying with someone who might require assistance that we were supposed to put on our mask first before attempting to assist them. I remember thinking to myself, if I had a child with me, I would really struggle to follow her instructions. Even then, not yet being a parent, I knew that my first instinct would be to put the mask on the child first.
As a seventeen year old, I understood the rationale – You cannot save others if you are unconscious or even worse, dead, however the thought of helping myself first just seemed wrong somehow.
Now at the age of 38, I still find myself struggling with this type of scenario. In life, metaphorically, I struggle to put my mask on first. For me, putting my kids, husband, family and friends before me is what seems right. That is, until it doesn’t.
Growing up, I was taught this song:
J-O-Y
J-O-Y
This is how it goes
Jesus first
Yourself last
and Others in between
Author Unknown
It is a cute little song, and as a child it was fun for me because it spells out my name, however the idea of always putting yourself last, is not exactly healthy, nor is it necessarily Biblical.
Philippians 2:3 (NIV)
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves”
As Christians we are supposed to put others above ourselves, however, I believe that for some of us, namely me, we need to stop thinking that putting others first, means putting ourselves last. God has never called for us to be last.
About a month ago, I found myself getting really frustrated every weekday morning. Our mornings were becoming habitually, rushed. Daily, I was getting my oldest son to school with only seconds to spare. Each morning, I was getting the boys up, dressed, fed, getting lunches made, etc., etc. only to look at the clock to see that it was time to go and I was still in my pajamas. I began getting up earlier and still the chaos continued. There was always something to fill the extra time: One of the boys wet the bed, requiring an unscheduled shower or bath and bed changing. Juice was spilt all over the kitchen floor. My youngest got a bloody nose. Every day, something filled that extra time and once again it was time to go and I was, at best, half dressed, feeling defeated, angry, guilty, with the weight of another failed morning on my shoulders.
Finally, I got my breakthrough. I had been reading Sink Reflections, by Marla Cilley, in an effort to improve my housekeeping skills. One of the things the author suggest, is to get dressed first thing in the morning, shoes on and teeth brushed, before doing anything else. I decided to try out her method and… it works!
By not leaving myself last, suddenly, we were arriving to school early. When driving to school, I was no longer cringing every time there was a red light. Everything that needed to get done, was getting done, but now when I looked to see that it was time to go, I was already dressed and ready to walk out the door.
I am beginning to translate this concept of not leaving myself for last in other areas on my life too.
I am learning that putting service to others first does not mean putting myself last. In fact, I am realizing that from the position of last place, I am really quite limited in my ability to serve others. I am learning that I am actually better positioned to help others, when I myself am also a priority.
Matthew 22:39 (NIV) says to “Love your neighbor as yourself”. It does not say ‘love your neighbor more than yourself, but as yourself’. I like the way the Message Translation says it:
Love others as well as you love yourself.
Matthew 22:39 (Message Translation)
I want to put others above myself in Christian love. I want to help others be empowered and promoted. This is my desire and I am realizing that to do this effectively, I need to do this from a place of health and wholeness. Not as a frazzled, self-positioned martyr. I am learning and I am growing. I am learning to put my oxygen mask on first, so I truly can help those around me. I am also learning to stop feeling guilty for making my self-care a priority. I am learning that self-care is not selfish. In fact, I am finding that by prioritizing my own self-care, I have so much more to give and to love.
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